Androgyny
by Alan Smithee
Summary: New Chapter 2 on the "Alan Smithee Continues Stories" block: The aftermath of Zell getting trapped in a woman's body or something like that. Who cares: It's Alan Smithee, so you KNOW it's going to be good.
1. Default Chapter

I never thought this could actually happen. Especially not to me.  
  
"Zell, you porno freak! Why are you reading those magazines again?" Selphie asked.  
  
"What is the point of this, honestly? You're dating Irvine. MAKE HIM THE PUSSY WHIPPED ONE! Come on, I only want to be pussy-whipped by someone I'm dating." Zell replied.  
  
"Oh, yeah, like that'll ever happen. You have WAY too many homosexual tendencies for that." Rinoa said.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Zell shouted.  
  
"Come on.Squall and Irvine told us how you tried to steal the peanut butter in the cafeteria to make Angelo lick it off of your testicles.HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES!" Rinoa replied.  
  
"Come on! I was drunk and high! I was bored! I was desperate! I didn't know Angelo was a male dog!" Zell wailed.  
  
"Oh, yeah. You could have just checked it out." Quistis replied.  
  
"What? You're saying to check out a dog's package?"  
  
"It's better than saying what you did, you freak." Selphie said as she took out her CD case.  
  
"Yes.CDs.change subject." Zell thought to himself. "I wonder if they'll play some of their good music."  
  
"Ooh, you just got the latest Ani Difranco? Put it on!" Quistis said.  
  
"What?" Zell thought. "I know I heard that name somewhere.but where?" Instantly, Zell got some thoughts back to talking with his grandfather.  
  
"Now, Zell, you're a MAN today." Zell's grandfather said.  
  
"Damn straight, look at these pubes Seifer sold me for 100 gil." Little Zell replied.  
  
"WHAT? Your mom told me you were a MAN, not some faygit, boy! Only fay- gits'll buy other guy's pubes."  
  
"But.but.I thought that's how you become a MAN.*sniff*" Zell cried.  
  
"No, that's how you become a SISSY. Eh, I'll tell you what I was going to. Listen: Don't let girls pick out music for you. They may lure you in with some good tunes. However, once you're hooked to their music choice, they'll play their.special music."  
  
"Special music? Is that that boy band music I keep hearing them play?" Zell asked.  
  
"No. This music is code-named 'Ani Difranco.' In reality, it is a secret tool that, when a male listens to it and enjoys it, causes them to become a woman. Sorta like Ranma ½, only there's a very rare cure."  
  
"Crud.they're trying to turn me into a woman! I bet they're talking about how they'll change me into a woman right now." Zell thought.  
  
"This music is soooo awesome, huh?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"Hell yeah. I don't think she's ever made a bad album." Quistis replied.  
  
"I would SO switch sides to be with her." Selphie stated.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ah.look at them.hey.this music isn't.too bad.it's actually.tolerable? Crud! Do I.like this." Zell thought. "NOOOOOOO!" he screamed.  
  
"What's wrong? Selphie asked.  
  
"I.I like this too much."Suddenly, Zell's voice rose. "AAAAAGH.my grandfather was right." Instantly, conspicuous bulges rose in Zell's shirt while a conspicuous bulge vanished in his pants.  
  
"What's happening?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"Well, I checked these things out. Apparently, there's some myth going around some places where if a guy likes Ani, he turns into a female. I thought it was just a myth, but Zell here is apparently proving it wrong." Quistis replied.  
  
"*sniff* I don't wanna be a girl.I don't like this.I need some por-por-por- A PINT OF BEN AND JERRY'S.NOOOO!" Zell screamed. 


	2. The Aftermath.

Chapter Two: The aftermath.  
  
"Dear god no…I can't believe this…No, I don't wanna be a woman…" Zell wailed.  
  
"Come on, there's no problem to this. Being a woman's fine…" Selphie replied.  
  
"No…I don't wanna…"  
  
"Oh, come on, Zell…would you like to talk about it?" Quistis replied.  
  
"Yes…I wanna t-t-t-t-TALK AB-ABOUT MY FEELINGS…NOO!!!" Zell said.  
  
"Oh, come on. How are you feeling about this?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"I…I…don't like it…I think I'm going to cry…" Zell started crying. "Wait a second…boys don't cry…BOYS DON'T CRY!!!!" Zell started crying louder.  
  
"Sidebar!" Quistis said. The girls huddled up. "This is a problem…"  
  
"Well, we wouldn't be in this mess if SOMEBODY didn't break out the Ani in the presence of a male…" Rinoa said.  
  
"Come on! I didn't hear you complaining!" Selphie yelled.  
  
"Well, we're going to have to do something…" Quistis explained.  
  
"MAKEOVER!" Rinoa and Selphie screamed. The three went over to him. "Now…Estelle?"  
  
"Aww…do I have to have that name? It makes me sound like a two dollar hooker…" Zell whined.  
  
"YES. Now, we're going to have to give you a makeover to be a cute girl…" Rinoa said.  
  
"Aw…but…I don't wanna be a cu-cu…MAKE ME PRETTY?" Zell replied.  
  
"Yes, yes, we will…come on…" The girls got out their makeup kits. "Now, come on, Estelle, we're going to have to cover up that icky tattoo. BE STILL…" Quistis said as she got a large amount of primer toward Zell's face.  
  
"But…but…I like my tattoo…" Zell replied.  
  
"No. Come on, you're not going to be a lesbian on our watch. You'd have had to listen to at least two full Ani CDs before that would go into play…" Selphie replied.  
  
"Aww…" Zell replied.  
  
"Finished! Quistis said as she showed them his now tattoo-less face.  
  
"Ooh…you look…not like Zell now! Now, for the finishing touches…" Rinoa said. The three put a whole bunch of makeup on until Zell was finally finished. "Finished!" "We've completed a masterpiece!" "PWETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"The mirror…" Quistis gave Zell a mirror. "I…Look…Like…Doink…The…Homosexual…Crackhead…Clown!" Zell instantly jumped up and put his fists up.  
  
"Temper, temper…Good girls don't use their fists…" Selphie said. "Now, let's get you into some proper clothing…" The girls marched Zell towards the Garden's Lost-And-Found section. "Ooh…this'll look good…" the girls said as they put him in. "Now, go into there and change…" Quistis said as she pointed to the bathroom.  
  
"But…that's the girls' room…" Zell said.  
  
"Oh, come on. Remember, Estelle, you're a girl now, it'll all be fine…" Quistis said as they pushed him in. Zell quickly found a stall.  
  
"Dammit…this day couldn't get any worse…What'd Grandpa say was the cure again?" before flashing back.  
  
"Now, Zelly…remember this one thing. The key to becoming a man after this again is…is…"  
  
"DAMMIT! I can't remember that stuff…FROM ALL THE POT I SMOKE…" Zell yelled out as you, the fans, gave him immense cheap pops. "Eh, I'm finished, I'll get out of here." Zell kept the clothes on that the girls had given him and spoke with a random girl coming out. "Hello there, miss…"  
  
"EEK! PERVERT!" she screamed as she kicked Zell.  
  
"Dammit, why didn't my voice raise?" Zell said. He quickly went out of the room to meet with the girls.  
  
"Stylin…" they replied.  
  
"If I'm so stylin, how come I was just kicked by a female for perversion?" Zell asked.  
  
"I don't know. Now, let's hit that PAR-TAY!" Selphie replied.  
  
Meanwhile, over on the third floor…  
  
"Dammit…I hate Friday night watch, man…" Squall said.  
  
"Yeah. I mean, this is PRIMO time to score with hot Cadet chicks, man! I need to be on the prowl!" Irvine replied. Suddenly, Headmaster Cid came onto their monitor.  
  
"Attention, Watchmen: I got word from a cadet that there's problems. Apparently, she was accosted in the bathroom by Doink the Homosexual Crackhead Clown…" Cid stated.  
  
"The notorious serial killer?" Squall asked.  
  
"The same. We think he's still in the Garden. Be on the lookout for him! GET GOING!" Cid said.  
  
"Finally, something to do!" Irvine said as he cocked his pistol.  
  
"Let's rock." The two left their post. 


End file.
